Imperial Cleaning

What Will You Put Up With? Boundaries, Self-Esteem and Dating

I am working on getting help and I will pull through this. Stories of Courage, Redemption, and Pee.

About Amberen


When a person is asking whether or not they have DID, that is a question that is worthy of consultation. Some people are relieved to find that there is a diagnosis and an understandable model for their experiences. Some dissociative experiences may provoke considerable anxiety and bafflement, and it is important to be able to find an organizing concept that makes these experiences understandable. If you are in a psychotherapy, ask your therapist what they think. Ask them if they have enough experience with DID to feel comfortable in making the diagnosis.

If they dont, ask them to get a consultation for you and for them. Here are some references from the Self-help literature. A skilled couples therapist may also be helpful. What do I need to know? She hasnt been diagnosed but it is very obvious that she has it. There is some integration and some co-consciousness.

Some of the littles have integrated, a couple of the protectors, and some of the abusive parts as well. Some of the alters dont like to tell me their name. Also when the host and I get physical there is one who likes to be physical, but others dont. How can I deal with all this? The wisest course of action might be to consider consultation with a local clinician of your choice, and to discuss this situation with them.

Respect for the rights of individuals, and the maintenance of personal safety are the bottom line in relationships. I went to a therapist three years ago to find a way to cope with an impending loss. As you already know, there is a questionnaire that you fill out. Some were questions I had never been asked before. Probably the one that caused the most fuss, was do you have voices in your head. The answer was yes. It went down hill from there.

In the course of the next few years my therapist and my psychiatrist have journeyed into what it is like to be me. Days that only last a few hours, all of a sudden not knowing what I am supposed to be doing, forgetting how to read, hearing me talk, but not recognizing the voice. They have diagnosed me with DID. I have been fighting them on this.

I do not believe that you can turn yourself into different people and not be crazy. I hold down a very hard job, how could this be going on? I would have lost my job. My therapist is insisting that I was abused as a child and wants me to come clean. She says that I know it, I am just unable to express it. When I started therapy, even after the presentation of my voices, I insisted that I would not revisit my childhood so that they could change my memories. I had a wonderful childhood, full of hugs, kisses, laughter.

What she wants me to do will destroy all of that. There were things that I was eager to explore and change in my life. But, if I go along with therapy - I will be deemed crazy DID and my wonderful childhood will be replaced with horror.

The origins of this are speculative, and at the same time there is a very strong and sophisticated literature in the field of infant attachment studies that points clearly to a pattern of attachment called Type D attachment as predicting adult dissociation. Additional work by Karlen Lyons-Ruth shows that adult dissociation is best predicted by the "hidden trauma" of emotional abuse vs. There is a lot of evidence that people can develop complex dissociative disorders from what has recently been called developmental trauma.

It sounds as if you are feeling a lot of pressure to accept what your therapist is saying. It also may be that there is even more pressure and conflict inside you to try and figure out what to do and how to understand what youve learned about your mind and how it works.

Perhaps the struggle you are having with your therapist is related to a conflict you are having in your own mind? Its hard to know, but thats always a consideration. Theres lots of reading you can do to learn more about dissociation and how attachment issues may be reflected in adult dissociative disorders. Some of those references follow.

Its always useful to bring these issues up with you therapist. We hope youll do that. A list of references about dissociation and attachment follows: New York, Guilford Press: Theoretical, Empirical, and Clinical Perspectives. New York, Plenum Press: Toward A Neurobiology of Interpersonal Experience. New York, Guilford Press. Can you help me not be DID? Your question presents one of the most complex and sensitive concerns that a person can pose regarding their mental health.

I am not going to try to convince you one way or the other regarding whether or not you have a dissociative disorder. Multiple Personality Disorder is really a misnomer. It may be more useful to understand the dissociative processes, the processes that detach aspects of experience from each other that make the experience unknowable, unfeelable, etc.

In fact, many experts would say that people with dissociative disorders often have the experience of not having a whole coherent Self. It is the disowning of aspects of Self experience, emotion, behavior, sensation, and knowledge that become personified and are typical of the development of the alternate self states that are the hallmark of more complex dissociative disorders. They believe that if someone has a dissociative disorder that means that a person must have a severe trauma history.

Perhaps you will be able to spend some time with your therapist trying to understand your experience, and focus on what it means to you, and not just focus on diagnosis. It is hard to know if there is a trauma history hidden in your past, or not.

About 10 percent of people with trauma histories have extensive memory loss for trauma that they later remember. In any event, working with your current experiences, their meaning in your life, and functioning from day to day in relationships, and in your community, is a good place for a therapy to start.

Where it goes from there can be based on a solid working alliance if these first issues are thoughtfully addressed. Dissociation is a word that is used to describe the disconnection or lack of connection between things usually associated with each other. In severe forms of dissociation, disconnection occurs in the usually integrated functions of consciousness, memory, identity, or perception. For example, someone may think about an event that was tremendously upsetting yet have no feelings about it.

Clinically, this is termed emotional numbing, one of the hallmarks of post-traumatic stress disorder. Dissociation is a psychological process commonly found in persons seeking mental health treatment Maldonado et al. These are thoughts or emotions seemingly coming out of nowhere, or finding oneself carrying out an action as if it were controlled by a force other than oneself Dell, Feeling suddenly, unbearably sad, without an apparent reason, and then having the sadness leave in much the same manner as it came, is an example.

Or someone may find himself or herself doing something that they would not normally do but unable to stop themselves, almost as if they are being compelled to do it.

There are five main ways in which the dissociation of psychological processes changes the way a person experiences living: A dissociative disorder is suggested by the robust presence of any of the five features. Derealization is the sense of the world not being real. Some people say the world looks phony, foggy, far away, or as if seen through a veil. Some people describe seeing the world as if they are detached, or as if they were watching a movie Steinberg, Amnesia refers to the inability to recall important personal information that is so extensive that it is not due to ordinary forgetfulness.

Most of the amnesias typical of dissociative disorders are not of the classic fugue variety, where people travel long distances, and suddenly become alert, disoriented as to where they are and how they got there. Rather, the amnesias are often an important event that is forgotten, such as abuse, a troubling incident, or a block of time, from minutes to years. More typically, there are micro-amnesias where the discussion engaged in is not remembered, or the content of a conversation is forgotten from one moment to the next.

Some people report that these kinds of experiences often leave them scrambling to figure out what was being discussed. Identity confusion is a sense of confusion about who a person is. An example of identity confusion is when a person sometimes feels a thrill while engaged in an activity e.

Identity alteration is the sense of being markedly different from another part of oneself. This can be unnerving to clinicians. More frequently, subtler forms of identity alteration can be observed when a person uses different voice tones, range of language, or facial expressions.

For example, during a discussion about fear, a client may initially feel young, vulnerable, and frightened, followed by a sudden shift to feeling hostile and callous. The person may express confusion about their feelings and perceptions, or may have difficulty remembering what they have just said, even though they do not claim to be a different person or have a different name. The patient may be able to confirm the experience of identity alteration, but often the part of the self that presents for therapy is not aware of the existence of dissociated self-states.

If identity alteration is suspected, it may be confirmed by observation of amnesia for behavior and distinct changes in affect, speech patterns, demeanor and body language, and relationship to the therapist.

The therapist can gently help the patient become aware of these changes e. Research tends to show that dissociation stems from a combination of environmental and biological factors. The likelihood that a tendency to dissociate is inherited genetically is estimated to be zero Simeon et al. In the context of chronic, severe childhood trauma, dissociation can be considered adaptive because it reduces the overwhelming distress created by trauma. However, if dissociation continues to be used in adulthood, when the original danger no longer exists, it can be maladaptive.

The dissociative adult may automatically disconnect from situations that are perceived as dangerous or threatening, without taking time to determine whether there is any real danger. Children may also become dissociative in families in which the parents are frightening, unpredictable, are dissociative themselves, or make highly contradictory communications Blizard, ; Liotti, , a, b.

The development of dissociative disorders in adulthood appears to be related to the intensity of dissociation during the actual traumatic event s ; severe dissociation during the traumatic experience increases the likelihood of generalization of such mechanisms following the event s. One of the core problems for the person with a dissociative disorder is affect dysregulation, or difficulty tolerating and regulating intense emotional experiences. This problem results in part from having had little opportunity to learn to soothe oneself or modulate feelings, due to growing up in an abusive or neglectful family, where parents did not teach these skills.

The inability to manage intense feelings may trigger a change in self-state from one prevailing mood to another. Depersonalization, derealization, amnesia and identity confusion can all be thought of as efforts at self-regulation when affect regulation fails. Each psychological adaptation changes the ability of the person to tolerate a particular emotion, such as feeling threatened.

As a last alternative for an overwhelmed mind to escape from fear when there is no escape, a person may unconsciously adapt by believing, incorrectly, that they are somebody else. Becoming aware of this kind of fear is terrifying. Therein lies one of the central problems in treatment for a person with a dissociative disorder: Dissociative experiences are often confused with those of hypnosis.

While the two experiences may exist together, they are not the same. For example, hypnotic absorption may be present in someone who is experiencing identity alteration, but it is not equivalent.

To be hypnotically absorbed is to lose track of the background events and be completely absorbed by the foreground e. A person capable of hypnotic absorption may be absorbed in their thoughts while maintaining control of their body and their driving , but what they are doing is not in their awareness. Thus there is a disconnection between mind conscious awareness and body. This disconnection in hypnotic absorption is an example of a dissociative process, but the absorption itself is not indicative of a dissociative disorder.

Rather, absorption is an example of everyday hypnotic experience and is part of the continuum of the dissociation of psychological functions that can be seen during hypnosis.

The four dissociative disorders are: Dissociative Amnesia Psychogenic Amnesia is characterized by an inability to recall important personal information, usually of a traumatic or stressful nature, that is too extensive to be explained by ordinary forgetfulness.

The amnesia must be too extensive to be characterized as typical forgetfulness and cannot be due to an organic disorder or DID. It is the most common of all dissociative disorders, frequently seen in hospital emergency rooms Maldonado et al.

In addition, Dissociative Amnesia is often embedded within other psychological disorders e. Individuals suffering from Dissociative Amnesia are generally aware of their memory loss. The memory loss is usually reversible because the memory difficulties are in the retrieval process, not the encoding process. Duration of disorder varies from a few days to a few years American Psychiatric Association, ; Frey, ; Maldonado et al.

That is their psychopathology is not obvious. Individuals with Depersonalization Disorder often report problems with concentration, memory and perception Guralnik et al. The depersonalization must occur independently of DID, substance abuse disorders and Schizophrenia Steinberg et al. It is now recognized that these dissociated states are not fully-formed personalities, but rather represent a fragmented sense of identity.

The amnesia typically associated with Dissociative Identity Disorder is asymmetrical, with different identity states remembering different aspects of autobiographical information. The different personalities may serve distinct roles in coping with problem areas. Environmental events usually trigger a sudden shifting from one personality to another Maldonado et al.

DDNOS includes dissociative presentations that do not meet the full criteria for any other dissociative disorder American Psychiatric Association, ; Steinberg et al. In clinical practice, this appears to be the most commonly presented dissociative disorder, and may often be better characterized by Major Dissociative Disorder with partially dissociated self states Dell, Some studies indicate that dissociation occurs in approximately two to three percent of the general population.

Dissociation may exist in either acute or chronic forms. Immediately following severe trauma, the incidence of dissociative phenomena is remarkably high.

Some prevalence rates have been calculated individually for the four types of dissociative disorders: No exact prevalence rates have been empirically demonstrated for Dissociative Amnesia Maldonado et al. Prevalence rate of 0. The prevalence is thought to be higher during periods of extreme stress Maldonado et al.

Studies have indicated a prevalence rate of. Exact prevalence is unknown Maldonado et al. Some researchers have suggested that Depersonalization Disorder is the third most common psychological disorder following depression and anxiety Guralnik et al. Treatment Specific to Type of Dissociative Disorder: For more general treatment guidelines please refer to the Treatment Guidelines of the International Society for the Study of Trauma and Dissociation, available by clicking here. No empirical studies have assessed the treatment of dissociative amnesia.

Current information is based upon case studies and will be discussed briefly. Prior to beginning treatment, it is essential to determine that the amnesia is dissociative in origin. Clients with acute onset are typically treated more aggressively than clients presenting with chronic amnesia Maldonado et al.

In clients with acute presentation of amnesia it is first necessary to provide a safe therapeutic environment Maldonado et al. In fact, researchers have demonstrated that sometimes simply removing threatening stimuli and providing an individual with a safe environment has enabled spontaneous retrieval of memory e.

Just remember whoever you know who has depression, friend, lover, family, adult, or child. They just want to be loved, but may not know where to go. Please keep in mind that this post is based on personal experience and practice with helping children of depression, and in no way shape or form reflects proven theory.

Slowly the self reflections made me more self aware and know myself better. The invisible support works very well. I have been bi-polar and on meds for 15 yrs approx. Still get up and down days. I have had to learn how to keep me going without sliding downhill. It is not easy considering that your life is always in constant change. People really do try to understand but it is hard if they themselves have never experienced depression.

So at the same time we have to learn to give some slack or at least not to take it so personal. Accept the fact that some days you do not feel like even moving and have a lazy day or two. Then kick yourself in the butt and at least start moving again. Sometimes I have to stop and go through what has been running in my mind.

Fix what is doable and throw the rest out. It is not easy but very necessary. Each person is an individual. What works for one may not necessarily work for another. I wish more people understood depression.

It feels like no-one understands. I saw this and now i feel liek theres someone who truly understands what it feels like. Thanks for both your comments on the page. I am glad you are sharing your thoughts and feelings too and thank you for sharing it on Facebook. I think we need to facilitate more understanding between ourselves and those who do not understand the illness.

I hope you feel less unhappy though and somehow walk through this tunnel like I am doing. There are bad days and there are some not so bad days… Feel free to write to me any time. Hi Amy for me, I had to alienate myself from some of these people who did not understand because the criticism got too much for me to handle. I tried to explain but decided I should spend the energy to get better instead.

I hope you will get better too in your own time! I react completely the same way as you do. I even posted these steps on facebook, because there are some people who just think i CAN help how i feel, like i want to be miserable and lonely or something. So i posted this on there, also said about how people with the same problem might react and how i would react and how the poster you react.

By the way, im so greatful you posted this, i really am. Everything you said is the truth. Trust me, what we deal with it is not a choice.

Saying be positive or snap out of it will make it better. It makes the situation worse. Unfortunately, people are uneducated and ignorant to know or understand mental illness. Then wonder why people are killing themselves. You put it succinctly. But also like you, I had no idea what it was about until I experience anxiety and depression myself.

I hope at least! I was very naive about depression and mental illness. A time when I should having fun and making friends but I had to deal with depression. Before depression, I was dealing with panic attacks. I was scared when it start happening to me because I felt I was having a heart attack or going to die. I was able to open up about my past, dealing with insecurities, my father and his drug abuse, emotional abuse as a kid. Even though I was going to therapy, I still had to deal with anxiety while going to college and that affected my school work and grade.

I had to drop one of my classes because of my anxiety. I was angry and stressed out about it. Then my mood began to change. I stopped hanging with my friends, stayed at home, moody, angry, lonely. Granted I did try snapping out of my depression but only made my situation worse. I can cope with my anxiety but depression is a battle I have to face everyday. Sorry for the long rant but I had to get it out.

Thank you so much for sharing your story here. It has inspired me and I am sure also those who come to my blog. Thank you for being opened with your experience. I am sad to hear of the history though but at the same time encouraged because you have hung on this far to battle it and address the issue.

We all have different background and triggers for our depression and I know all of us want to get better and not indulge in it. It is not fun. It took me a long time and I still relapse and debate with myself why I should stay alive. I am not sure. But I am alive today so I hope I can help others with my writing, if only to help myself think and get through this rut.

We are all support for each other and I am glad you found me and I found you. I had to spend the last of my school years at home, i became so afraid of school and did homeschooling instead after being so scared to leave the house or go school. I started keeping myself in the house at 15 and only now have i started going for walks and getting a lil fresh air and even going shopping with my mum and her special driver who is really funny.

But for 2 years i spent confined in the house i refused to go anywhere, apart from going doctors and going to the dentist. Other than that i never left the house. I became paranoid, tired, dizzy, boiling hot and angry at the world. But worrying about that doesnt get us very far.

W learn to live with the depression and anxiety eventually. I have learnt to manage it better slowly by experience too. Amy — I SO know how you feel. I never want to leave home. I am scheduled for shifts that run 3pm til midght. Anyway, I had such a bad panic attack from thinking about driving home a 40 minute drive in excellent conditions that I gave myself a mega migraine that lasted for almost 3 days, so I missed my first midnight shifts. Luckily, this week, my manager is in town, and I took her aside, explained my anxiety and depression, and asked if I could work my late shifts from home.

Of course today went back to being terrible, but the fact that she accommodated my fear of being out so late alone, I was my old self again for the rest of the day.

I hope you feel better. I hope we ALL feel better…. Thank you so much! I just saw this one was a continuation! Sorry if i replied to late, hope you had a nice christmas and have a great new year!

Well part from anxiety, extreme depression, paranoia, ocd and hallucinations i have extreme anger. Thank you for this reply! I do research too, did it help any at all, the research your husband did? If I had a quarter for every time someone close to me said one of these very unhelpful things….. Haha then we would both be quite rich now! I used to cringe all the time I hear it.

This all left me very depressed. Now I have to figure out how to just make it through life on my own without any support or value. I was talking and talking, the I looked over at him and he was rocking back and forth in his chair tapping his temple with his eyes closed.

Then he kept asking if I could find another job. Sorry to hear you have had such a bad time and experience. MY husband also felt really down from my complaining. Is there any internal support within the company, someone in HR you could talk to about your boss and colleagues?

And maybe try to find another therapist you click with? Either way, I hope you find the channel that works for you. Feel free to email me any time if you just need to vent. Thanks for your response. Best wishes to you. I am working on getting help and I will pull through this. Thank you — hope it gave you some inspiration and encouragement.

Thanks again for coming by. Good to meet you and thanks for commenting on my blog. But also needs more education and awareness building. Depressed people are too much trouble for what they are worth. I wish they were removed from the gene pool. Thanks for your opinion and comment here. BUt we are all entitled to our perspectives. I just hope you pull through the depression yourself. It sounds like one of the things said above, about not being grateful for what I have.

It just sounded ignorant. All you ever do is make art nobody really likes and listen to NPR all day. What I do, personally, is exercise to ease the depression. I also like to hang around funny, patient people who DO care. Free-writing and art also help me. Being around cats also calms me down. Thanks for sharing, and thanks for doing your art and writing. I surround myself with bears http: Those are the places where you can find true peace if you let it happen.

Please have a look and see if you want to write and contribute something along with the theme. I had this friend online that I had never met. He lives far away in another country. He is depressed, as far as I have known him. Sadly, nobody in his family knows it. I always wanted to cheer him up or something, but I feel powerless being so very far and not present physically. I hope he is getting better and keeps taking his medication..

I hope he is getting better too. At some point, those in depression do have to help themselves, but when we are very fragile and weak, it is hard to pick ourselves up. There is a line between self-victimization which is not what I condone and being mentally sick. I hoep those who are ill can find a way out. You forgot the worst one of ALL. I hate when my mom tries to tell me how I feel.

I try to explain why i am depressed, or why shes seeing me crying. But then she turns the situation around by trying to tell me how i really feel, or make how im feeling not a big deal. Sorry to hear that its from your mother. Is there someone else, like a psychologist you can talk to instead? Thanks for adding to the list. I dont think my mom means to hurt me, i think shes just afraid to think that i really might be in pain, you know?

But no, i cant afford a psychologist right now. I do have an online friend that has similar issues and he is really great to talk too. Great to know you have an online friend. You might want to give them a try? I love this post. It was like I couldnt get it thru my head that those people who have it together might just not suffer from clinical depression.

My self loathing is at an all time high. I want to have a fulfilling life. Sometimes I feel tired too and I feel the same guilt of thinking I was selfish or weak. But once I treated it as a sickness and confronted it, I feel more empowered to deal with these relapse of moods. I now know the difference between depression as a sickness the prolonged symptoms you mentioned and simply feeling depressed or deflated.

The danger is sliding back down from the depressed mood into depression. I hope the meds help you, but from my experience, a combination of retraining our thinking is what is sustainable in the long run, and to be able to challenge our negative thoughts.

Write to me whenever you need to vent. You will have a fulfilling life. Depression will build you. Thank you for sharing these. Knowing that there are other people out there who feel the same can be a huge help at times! I think you gave the most useful piece of advice in your story about your friend Timmie, though.

I like your webpage too and the link you sent. Anything that helps anyone is great. Sounds like you had a tough time too but encouraging to know that you suffer but you also try to get through it. I am sorry to hear of your frustrations. Do you have some school counselor you could see? I can feel your hurt by being betrayed and bullied, but there can be a different life from what you experienced.

And actually, you can make a difference — you can talk about it, share it with others, and change bullying situations, and champion it for others and create a refuge for others. Turn the bitterness into positive energy. I am not an expert in these issues but googling it just now I found lots of support websites. Maybe you can try those too. You are not alone. I am feeling very depressed at the moment and just wish life would end.

I still get up, look normal, smile and function. But my mind and emotions are in chaos. How does this person think his comment helps. I am so ashamed of my depression and my thoughts…. Thank you for this site. I am glad this site has given you some encouragement. I am not sure what the commentator was thinking either. People always ask us to look on the bright side of things. Yet it is also hard for those around us to relate to how we feel. I guess we have to explain and communicate, but whilst you are weak and feeling depressed and confused, come find solace with the others who feel the same.

For the last few weeks I have been planning my death. This week was going to be the time as both my therapist and key worker were away. I received my prescription today and I planned to take it. My key worker was back and I chose to see her. A last minute decision as I felt I should give life one more chance. I found myself telling her everything. She was so kind.

I told her how I felt a failure. I had no hope. After pouring my heart out we agreed that I would go home and talk to my husband. I sat in my car for an hour, looking at the prescription sitting on the chair by me. I had to choose. I chose to go home. Slowly I told my husband everything.

We are going back to see my key worker tomorrow. I think I will ask to be admitted to the mental health acute ward. I am so scared. I just want peace. I feel a failure and only feel ashamed for wanting to take my pills. I feel like a criminal. How can I ever recover — should I have taken the pills. A big part of me says I have just delayed the inevitable.

I am sorry I have not been as brave as you. I just wanted peace and all I cn do is cry. And, like Tere said in one of the earlier comments, some even went as far as sitting me down to tell me how i should feel in class. Thank you for posting this.

Sorry to hear of your troubles and how others treat you. Yes you are right, you can find solace here, we all feel and think the same. OThers do not understand but that is not our fault. We can try to make them understand though Hope you find your way. These points are so true!!

It actually makes me feel worse. But do they really think I would be depressed if I could help it?! Nice to meet you. We just need some support and encouragement so we can help ourselves, without feeling guilty about our sickness. I had school because I was only 14 at that time and my mother always had to call me in sick and had problems of her own at that time. Guilt was something I always felt around that time and I had to escape somewhere, which always was fantasy books. Anyway, my brothers simple question always pained me more than anything else.

Please look out for my new post these few days, I am compiling some stories from readers and would love your experience on how bridging communication gaps could help those in depression. Some other words that she says through out the day is Be happy, how you feeling, are you ok, give me a hug, laugh, you know you can laugh. They all try to help. If you are opened to sharing your experience, I am compiling an ebook and would love to hear your story too. If you are interested, check out my latest blog post with all the details….

Recently I had posted my thoughts about suicide on a depression forum and someone sent me this private message.

Yes, I do see it as childish. Make one for yourself instead of crying about it, pussy. Be a man for once in your life. However, I can see how your atheistic views would cheapen life for you. I mean if this is all there is why not just go to sleep and stop torturing yourself?

No big deal, just oblivion. Would I miss you? No, why would I? Do I think the world would be robbed of a potential master early in life? Something to line a litter box with at best most likely.

We can make a choice to not listen to him and not let him affect us…. I found this site, finally!!! I absolutely love your vibe Noch. Although I am sure most here have felt treated that way. I understand why and where you are coming, but really, we have all encountered that type of human no matter what problems are happening. I love that StarDragon posted that because it is so not the norm of anyone but soooo out there for us all to endure.

Those types actually let me exhale a bit. I am happy that readers can post their opinions hear, and that there is support from everyone despite different opinions. This is a non jugs mental place. That seems to be the biggest thing that people like to say.. I did sit down and have a long talk with my husband last night and even had so many tears to fall but I just ended up shutting down and trying to go to bed because I knew that he was not understanding or hearing what I had to say.

And of course, I cried myself to sleep. But I have been told that I should just snap out of it, last night I was told to get a hobby. I stay stressed with everything right now.

I just lost my step-dad that I had been caring for for almost 2 years to cancer. I was the one that was going back and forth for treatments daily, trying to still make sure that I worked 40 hours a week and still spend time with 2 children and my husband. I took his death really hard. I have felt lost for a couple of years now and I just can not find my way back. I even said last night that I felt that everyone would be better off without me. I want to feel loved and appreciated. I was even asked last night when I was going to be able to get off the pills and would I be able to get off the pills.

Instead of feeling loved, I feel useless and I push away. And when I push away he pushes away. I just want him to understand and not be so judgmental about things.

I want to feel loved and have that chance to return the feelings. Have you told him all you wrote about to him before? Or maybe just send him that paragraph you wrote, and in fact, the whole blog post to him? I know what put me in this situation, my step mum!

When I was four years old my real mother died of Primary pulmonary hypertension. This leads to heart failure. After this time it was my dad and I for four years over which time we bonded greatly. Then at nine my dad met my step mum and we moved in with her and her three kids from her previous marriage soon after. After the first six months my step mum started getting abusive, although very slightly to begin with. If my dad found out, she lied to him saying I was doing the wrong thing.

Over the years it became worse. She phsyically, mentally and emotionally abused me. She would throw me down the stairs, hit me, kick me, pull my hair and pull it out at times, cane me, dig her nails into my arm or ear lobe, belt me, strangle me, sometimes if I took to long eating she would push my face into my plate, bash my head into walls etc.

One time she even smashed a glass over my head. She was constantly swearing at me and making me feel worthless. When I got into high school I had to catch a bus to school. She also force fed me chilli, whether it was tabasco sauce or chrushed chilli paste.

She knew that with my disease eating chilli would make me sick but she did it anyway. Simple, he was rarely home. He left at 7: She would never do anything if he was home.

She was always sneaky. From year 7 to Year 9 I was in hospital at least once a year generally for about weeks. My growth became stunted and for 3 years I was cm and weighed anywhere from kg.

Last year I went to hospital at a sickly 27kg at 15 years old! I ended up having to have abdominal surgery. At 14 I ran away from home for the first time and went straight to my grandparents house, my dad came that day and was yelling at me and made me go home. I was mad at my dad for agreeing to the punishment but then I was already mad at him because he also agreed to the punishments which led to me being grouned.

Grounded meant all I could do was do homework and chores. At that time I started self harming, just little things like flicking a rubber band against my wrist and I managed to hide it. Soon I realised I had depression and anxiety and started to develop OCD because I was constantly made to redo the chores or whatever else until they were perfect. They said that my parents had reported me missing and that I needed to call them. So I called my dad and he was mad but he told me that one of my step brothers had told him what my step mum had been doing to me for that past like 7 years.

He let me stay at my grandparents for a month then he came and said I needed to trust him and that it would never happen again and that I had to come home. HA, ye brilliant dad. That was all I wanted, for him to be happy. So even though I knew I was putting myself back in an unhealthy environment, I did it because I love him and I would do anything to make him happy.

The physical abuse stopped but the mental and emotional abuse got worse and I became even more withdrawn than I already was which was almost impossible. My siblings started to believe what my step mum said about me and they gave me a hard time. This year about 2 weeks before anzac day I called my dad just before going to my second cousins 16th.

I was almost in tears. My second cousins came like a minute later and picked me up. And I hate crying infront of people. On anzac day my dad and step mum brought over all my things and I officially moved out. I felt happy because I thought my life would finally turn around boy was I wrong and I felt sad and ashamed because I felt like I had ruined my father and hurt him beyond belief. He was upset for quite sometime but around around mid May he seemed to realise how important it was for me to be with my grandparents especially since his dad, my grandfather, was about o have surgery to remove an aggressive cancerous tumour from his nose.

He was diagnosed with cancer about a week after a moved in, the first of many bad things to happen. My grandfather went through his 14 hour surgery and I refused to leave the hospital until he was out. If he died, I wanted to be there. My secong cousins and their mum came and said I had to go home, yet again I refused but my cousins picked me up and hugged me and then literally dragged me out of the hospital. They removed his nose and the cancer.

My grandfather pulled through then he went through Chemo and Radiation. For the first three weeks that he was home I set my alarm so that it woke me up every hour. I would wake up and go to my grandfathers room and put my finger under his nose to make sure he was still breathing.

It was hard because I had to go to school as well, but I did what I needed to do. I have a lot of help from my grandmothers neice my second cousins um. She does the driving and helps make the appoinments. In the inspirational words of Eminem: I took my bruises, took my lumps, fell down and I got right back up, but I need that spark to get psyched back up.

No problem Ashley, write as long as you want. I can feel your anger and frustration. I used to feel exactly the same, although our life stories are different. Going through some of my journal entries I can see the emotions as yours. Vent all you need. As I say to other readers, this is a safe refuge for people to express.

Thank you so much for your support. Yes he really did say he was disturbed by it! He had put me in one of my bad moods for days but the day he said it, which was a wednesday, was the worst, I got into the shower, put the cold water on and basically mutilated my wrist mutilated was the word that one of my closest friends used to describe my wrist the next day.

And I cut every day after that until sunday. I have sat down with him and unfortunately my step mum as well and tried to explain to them that I had depression and was suicidal. My step mum asked me what caused it and I just said you. She still denyed that she did anything to me even though her, my dad and me know what she did. May I suggest you contact a counselor to talk about this? It might help you handle the situation. I was diagnosed with MS Multiple Sclerosis about six years ago. One of the symptoms is depression.

It creeps on you sometimes. Hello Noch Noch sorry about your relapse…. I was just diagnosed.. Thank you for the list of what not to say. When I get brave enough to share my story I will use your list…or maybe wear a sandwich board or tape it to my head…because I will just!!! Thank you for your site. Yes it took me a while to learn more about the illness, and even longer to learn how it is applied to me, relapses and all.

I guess it still makes me cringe when someone says those things to me but I react less strongly now. I just wanted peace and all I can do is cry. Karen…It was hard to read your story yet I can relate to much of it. You matter and I am glad you are talking to people who care about you and that you are choosing life. You helped me to know that I am not alone.

Karen, your story is amazing. If I live or if I die I will still hurt the ones I love and care about. Yesterday afternoon I got home went to my room and cried about me for the first time in a long time. My cousin texted me and got onto the subject of suicide. He reminded me of my promise, my promise to keep living. I put together some lyrics that mean something or explain how I feel and sent it to him. He said I love you ash and I got up and went to the medicine draw to prepare for my OD then realised that he really did care about me and that I was going to really hurt him.

I was already crying and now was crying even harder. I called him and he took a long time to answer his phone but he answered.

He calmed down, I was still crying because I wanted to die and even now as I sit here, typing this, I want to die. I also feel like giving up at times — still. I go up and I go down. So I am glad you are in good hands and chosen someone to support you to get through this.

I was scared too and did not want to live. But now I am better. So you will too. I also was ashamed of taking pills. I am glad your husband is standing beside you. If he needs some support he can also write to Timmie, my husband, through me. I only want to thank you for sharing all your experience with the world. It is very important for me to support a person I care so much about who suffers from a depression and I still need to learn so much… I never said those words to him but I am afraid that certain actions and words of mine of course without my intention might have been misinterpreted and might have hurt him very much or push him away as although I have known him for a few years now he told me about his diagnosis only a month ago….

Thank you for the encouragement and I hope you will find a way to help the person you care so much about. Probably hit rock bottom recently. I cant focus on school. All i want to do is sleep. I have an eight year old, I get called lazy by my family or constantly put down. My family would just say its all in my head. I already deal with anxiety attacks and all they say is to blow into a paper bag.

It is almost like he uses it against me, like it doesnt exist. I was recently prescribed Fluexotine but I havent started it yet. It is like the world isnt moving fast enough for me. I cant control the thoughts, the feelings of inferiority. Some times I feel like sending my son to live with his dad and runnning away, far far away. I am SO alone. No need to apologize, this is what the blog is for — for you to express and ramble!

We all care about you here. Have you tried talking to a counselor who can give you some professional advice? There are some online sites which have live consultations for free too. THere is a line between an illness and self-victimization. My precious 16 yr old niece has just been diagnosed with severe depression and is an acute care hospital for a few days.

From your list I managed to put these statements together so that I know what to say as I live thousands of miles away from her. I am here for you. You have done nothing wrong.

I am so grateful that you wrote your coach a letter expressing your feelings. I am so thankful that you are alive. I love you and look forward to… with you. Sometimes I get confused about my feelings too.

I am glad that you are in a place where you are feeling understood. If you want to cry together, laugh together, or just sit together and look at the clouds, I am ready to be with you. I enjoy being with you and listening to you. Did anything or anyone cause you to smile or laugh today? How is your day going? I think that would help your niece a lot.

That was a great list. I wish I could have heard some of that while I was severely depressed. Thanks for the post. I just happened to accidently stumble upon your article. Your website is awesome.

I am glad to hear you are much better now. I hope, like me, through this experience albeit painful, you have come to learn more about yourself and who you are inside, and to understand your thoughts and emotions. And I hope you will have the strength to carry on in the future should similar challenge arise. Thank you supporting my blog Noch Noch. Thanks for your question. Every person is different and what they require is different. What I personally found helpful was when my friends said the following: American Health Journal is interested in partner websites in the health genre.

AHJ is a health care website with over three thousand of high quality health care videos. We are seeking webmasters who may be interested in featuring our videos. We can offer content exchanges, link exchanges, and exposure to your brand. Contact us at our contact form on our web site. I also hate when people tell me to get help for it.

Mine revolves around hormones. Hi BB Sorry to hear that. I guess you will deal with life your way. I hope you do find someone who can understand you! I too, have depression. I agree with you on all of these sayings and hear them all the time from friends and other people. I just come home in sadness and just crying rivers. This makes it worse and feel so pointless and lame. I think you need to let your parents know how you feel, and also see a school counselor or therapist.

Perhaps a school counselor or doctor can help too? Thank you for sharing this , and the fact you can admit you need help is the first step to recovery. I just need to find out which one in my area. I am happy to hear I gave you some inspiration.

I hope you find a good counselor you get along with. Please take care and let me know your progress. I would also suggest you speak to a professional therapist.

I think that would help you get better. Any time you want to vent, feel free to write to me, and I am glad you like my blog. Hope I can be some inspiration for you to find a better, joyful life.

We wanted to focus on what depression felt like, what I did to save myself and how I deal with depressive realities on a daily basis. I asked a few […]. One of my family members says the last one to me all the time.

Or maybe can show them some websites to read more about it. I hope your family realize that million people in fhis world have clinical depression according to the World Health Organization, and by it will become the global disease burden! I am a mother of 3 beauitful children.

My oldest is 15, 12 and my youngest is my son 9. My oldest daughter has recently been in contact with her father. Just in the last 2 years he is a convicted felon for conspiracy to murder. Pleaded to attempted murder and arson. Yet not even 9 months out he gained custody of my daugther due to the fact she has a platelet function disorder. Its complete and otter BS. But last week he has went down to the courts to try and take all my rights.

Where she can only come when she wants to. All of a sudden we went from talking about everything to now she barily wants to talk to me at all. She is being minipulated and there is nothing I can do. I dont understand he says because I have depression and I am sad all the time I am a danger to my own daughter. I dont no what to do and I have no money to afford a lawyer to go in and talk for me. I dont no how to talk court talk. Its so wrong to me I am so hurt by this and I really dont no what to do about it.

Because of the courts there is nothing I can do. I dont understand how narcolepsy depression and her blood disorder is worse the him planning to kill and fallowing through with it is worse then this. There using everything they can to put me in the dirt. I have 2 other children to look after which I do well with what I have. I just dont understand how and the hell he can say I am a danger to my daughter and why my daughter now all of a sudden doesnt want to talk to me anymore.

How can I help my daughter understand? Her dad said that she blames her self for my depression right now and that is why he is doing this. But I have never made her feel that way and dontn o why after 15 years it would all of a sudden be a problem. I dont mean to ramble just didnt no where to go for help.

And to be honest I am hoping that anyone can give me any type of advice! Plz and thank you! Wow, I am sorry you have to go through all this pain. But please also accept my apologies as I am not a trained professional to deal with this kind of situations. Can I suggest you approach some websites for free online counseling and help? I think they might be in better position to offer advice. I think that I may have depression to a degree. Have you seen any professional to diagnose whether it is clinical depression?

But either way, suppressing emotions is not healthy. Better to manage them and confront the thoughts behind. One of my managers blew up at me while I was handing out food in the drive-thru it was my first time, too. The job is so anxiety provoking. The only reason why I was even able to make it out these last several months is because it was a source of income. I am scared shitless of having to go back. I sent in my letter of resignation, and I am hoping that I can just turn in my uniform and be done with this job, and never have to go back there.

I hate that I am making such a big deal out of this unlike a lot of people my age. I am so scared of screwing up and getting yelled at. I feel like most people can just barrel through it while I struggle. Its first step to making a change. I am glad you are seeing a therapist. Maybe find a new job first? Or identify what you want to do first?

Plus the chemical imbalance in my brain is just messing me up. It was easier when i was less aware of things XD but now I dont even trust my brother anymore…i have dreams about him killing me slowly and painfully.

These arent just thoughts, i feel as if it really will happen. I understand how you feel. I think only a trained professional can help you. Please also take care not to stop anti depressants abruptly, esp if prescribed by your therapist. Thanks for this blog. In a way it did, but at least I was given help. Other times I can really tell that they make a difference. Suicide possibilities are everywhere for me.

I actually want to be dead.

I was one of the walking depressed. Some of my clients are too.